A Journey of Healing
In January 2016, I returned for what I believed would be my final semester of MFA studies at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. After earning my degree, I planned to start teaching, aiming to help others develop a personal visual language that would improve their ability to express and articulate themselves. However, a storm was brewing inside me—quite literally, I later realized—which would delay these plans as I faced a battle with cancer.
On a beautiful day in late March, while I was on my way to school, I experienced a full-blown tonic-clonic seizure. What had started as an ordinary day quickly turned into a series of events that would drastically change my life. While in the hospital and preparing for various tests, I had another seizure. At that moment, I knew something was seriously wrong. On an instinctual, perhaps even primal level, I understood that something had shifted within me, and it was clear that this situation needed urgent attention.
I would spend the next few days in the hospital undergoing numerous tests to determine the exact cause of my condition, its origin, and the appropriate treatment plan. After various scans and examinations, metastatic lesions were discovered in my lungs and brain. I would later learn that the origin of these lesions was testicular cancer.
I was diagnosed with stage IIIC testicular cancer on April 1, 2016.
One night, while lying in the hospital and unable to sleep, I started reflecting on my life. My thoughts were clouded by various medications, hazy from emotional trauma, and scrambled as I tried to make sense of everything that had happened in such a short time. I wondered how I would tell my family. What would chemotherapy be like? How could I be so close to finishing my MFA yet feel so distant? How was it possible that, despite living a healthy lifestyle, I had developed cancer? How long had it been there? How long had it been spreading?
The doctors in Chicago were urging for immediate treatment. However, I was determined to return home to New England, where I believed I had a stronger support system of family and friends.
Three days after leaving the hospital, I flew back to Maine. Less than a week later, I began chemotherapy treatment.
This is a tapestry woven from the insanity and beauty of life.
It depicts a journey from hopelessness to hopefulness and the process needed to move gracefully, albeit awkwardly, from one to the other.
While it may seem that my cancer diagnosis and the long recovery afterward lack meaning, I am not entirely convinced of this. We find purpose in life's absurdity and define our mission through the time we have and the choices we make along the way.
I was diagnosed with advanced testicular cancer in April 2016, and I am now on a path of recovery and healing—a journey of self-love and self-discovery.
Since my cancer diagnosis in 2016, I have been maintaining a blog that I hoped one day I could turn into a memoir about my experience. However, whether due to emotional triggers that come up from such an endeavor or the sheer weight of the project itself, I have been unable to compile them into a linear format. The abstract quality of my thoughts, clearly influenced by extensive chemotherapy, radiation, brain surgery, and a constant mix of anti-convulsant medications, makes it hard to move directly forward.
© 2025 Jeremiah Ray
Verses and phrases, snippets of thoughts that I will call poetry for simplicity, are a constant presence in my life. These meditation-like pieces challenge the need for linearity; their topics include illness, mortality, growth, and more. Yet, I’ve never felt compelled to organize them.
What follows are these works.
It should be noted that in my poetry, I often refer to cancer as "she" or speak of it, the entity itself, along with everything associated with her—such as mortality, growth, and so on—as feminine.
I've always viewed cancer as something maternal, powerful, intense, and personally a presence in my life that encourages change.
Jeremiah.Ray@gmail.com